All the latest...

Yeah, I know.....

2009-11-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

....it has been a long, long time. I've been looking into getting the website rebooted, but that's no excuse really. Lazy also comes into the equation. That said, I have been updating fairly regularly on Facebook if you want to search that out, and there's also been Twitter in the last couple of weeks.

So where are we?

The new book, The Day of the Jack Russell, was released this week, and should be in the shops. I'm expecting reviews to appear over the next few weeks - fingers crossed. Any feedback I've had so far has been very positive. For those who don't know about it, it's the follow up to Mystery Man, and I'm currently working on the third in the series, which at the moment I'm calling 'Dr. Chicago' (think about it).

What else is happening in Bateman world? Well, I've written a 60 minute script for the BBC based on 'Mystery Man', but no decision yet as to it actually going into production or not. There's a lot of scripts out there vying for very few slots. But fingers crossed. It would be nice to make it, and even nicer to make it in Belfast. If you've read it, and have any ideas who you think might be good in the lead role, don't be shy!

The book had a very successful launch at No Alibis - where else? - last night, with a full house, which I think was pretty great for a miserably wet Monday night. At the event I read a short excerpt from 'Dr. Chicago', plus two short stories, 'Happy Endings' and 'Dublin Express'. The first of these is due to appear in the er, prestigious Red Bull Magazine, which I believe is given away free with The Independent newspaper, but I've no idea quite when. The other is currently lacking a home, written purely for fun.

Elsewhere in Bateman world, I've been writing a tv script called 'Alice Glass', about a bi-polar detective, I've written a children's book which is the first in a planned series, 'SOS: Icequake', and I've been talking to the Lyric Theatre in Belfast about staging my first play, 'National Anthem', when it re-opens early in 2011. So its been a busy week.

Zoot Alors!

2009-05-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

If you happen to be passin' thru Paris this week, then do call and say hello. Yours truly will be performing - and I mean performing, I juggle now as well as read - at the Irish Cultural Centre this Thursday evening at 7.30 pm. It's at rue des Irelandais, naturally enough. Then on Saturday night I'll be taking part in a panel discussion at Bilipo: 48-50, rue du Cardinal Lemoine. This is a library actually devoted to crime fiction, and I'll be on stage together with two other authors who like to have a laugh as well, the Frenchman Colin Thibert and the Englishman Charlie Williams, whose works, like mine, have been published in French by Série Noire. The moderator for the evening is Nathalie Beunat. So if you get the chance, come along and say 'ello, 'ello.

Download!

2009-05-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Strewth, whatever will they come up with next?! You can now download the first chapter of Mystery Man onto your mobile phone simply by texting MYSTERY to 64888! I have no idea how this works outside of the UK, but why not give it a try? If it doesn't work you could try txting me directly and I'll call you back and READ you the first chapter. Just key in CATCHYOURSELF ON. Meanwhile I fully expect The Observer to carry a piece on Mystery Man and the publicity whirlwind surrounding No Alibis this weekend, and also The Sunday Times has been looking for a photo of me, so this probably means they're doing something as well, unless of course they've discovered that I've secretly been trafficking gerbils to Azkaban in which case I'm saying NOTHING. These may only appear in the Irish editions of these papers, which is a crying shame.....

It's no longer a Mystery, it's a little piece of History

2009-05-01T01:44:00.001-07:00

Hopefully very exciting times ahead folks, with the news that Mystery Man has been seized by the Richard and Judy show for their Summer Read promotion, news which was released by huge coincidence on the very day the book was published. I'm in with seven other books, which I'm sure are all fine and wonderful, but really I'd much prefer you buy mine! What it does mean is that the hardback/trade paperback will be joined very suddenly next weekend by the mass market paperback as well. Frankly, I think you should buy them all. It's also a little ironic that a book which in its own mad way celebrates the wonder of independent book stores, suddenly becomes available through Tescos and Asda and other major chains where previously I couldn't get arrested. Seriously, it's a huge bonus. Depending on where you live of course, and when you read this, I hope some of you can come along to what will be a rather surreal experience tonight, the launch of Mystery Man in No Alibis in Botanic Avenue in Belfast, that's 7 pm on May 1st.
This extra promotion for the book has also led my publishers at Headline Review to bring forward the publication of the sequel, The Day of the Jack Russell, which instead of May next year, is now to be published this coming November. Around about that time I should also be starting in on the third in the series, which at the moment I'm calling Dr. Chicago. All I need now is a plot.

Meanwhile, entirely independent of the above promotion, I'm at a fairly advanced state of negotiations with the BBC over a television version of Mystery Man, and if all goes according to plan I'll start writing the script in about a month's time.

Mystery Man is now just about....

2009-04-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

at a shop near you. At least if you live in Ireland, where they seem to release it a few weeks early. The OFFICIAL release date is April 30th, and will be marked by a series of three readings in almost as many days. Those of you in the vicinity of my home town of Bangor, Co. Down, can pop along to the all new Library on Hamilton Road on the 30th, or come along to No Alibis bookshop the following night, Friday, May 1st. The No Alibis reading will be particularly meaningful/emotional as the book is almost entirely set in the shop itself. I may also be reading a little bit from the sequel, The Day of the Jack Russell. Then on Monday, May 4th, I'm appearing at the Black Box theatre in Belfast, as part of the Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival. I'm sharing the bill here with Dublin writer Gene Kerrigan. So you get two authors for the price of, uhm, two. Also worth noting that if you attend any of these gigs you'll hear two pieces of news about Mystery Man that have me very excited. If not, all will be revealed here in the next couple of weeks.
Before these gigs I'm also appearing at the Cuirt Festival in Galway - that's this coming Friday, and that gig is again with Gene Kerrigan.

When the going gets weird.....

2009-01-26T14:49:00.000-08:00

I had the weirdist experience the other night.

A had this dream/nightmare about being attacked by a giant bee. I was just in the act of punching out at it when I woke up suddenly - just in time to stop myself punching my wife in the head.

I pretty quickly went back to sleep and then forgot about it until the following evening when I jokingly apologised to my wife for almost hitting her. She asked why and I explained about being attacked by a giant bee. And her mouth just dropped open. Because the novel she had been reading in bed beside me that night featured a man who could control bees with his mind and make them attack people.

This was a book I had never read and knew absolutely nothing about.

Just a coincidence?

Or evidence of the untapped powers of the mind?

Forty years ago I might have reported it to the Bee Specials, but too late for that now.

(Only a few of you will get this. Apologies. But the bee story is true. And scary.)

Told you....

2009-01-26T14:39:00.001-08:00

Last week I mentioned that I was flying to Manchester for the Salford Children's Book Award, and how my previous experience of attending such events was quite embarrassing - authors who do attend sit on a stage before a large audience awaiting the announcement of the winner, who, invariably, is unable to be there. That happened twice last year - at one the winner couldn't make it because he was busy, and at the other the author couldn't make it because she was dead. Well, you could probably detect from what I wrote that I wasn't hugely unthusiastic about making the trip to Salford, but as it turned out I had to cancel at the last moment as an important business meeting came up. A good thing, as it turns out, as I lost to that very same recently departed author. To lose once to a recently deceased author is unfortunate, to lose twice is.....

Mystery Man.....the countdown....

2009-01-24T16:53:00.000-08:00

.....still three months until the launch of the next novel, Mystery Man, but it's nice to report some very positive early reaction. For those of you who like to keep up to date with what's happening locally as far as crime fiction is concerned, there's no better place for you to go than to Gerard Brennan's Crime Scene Northern Ireland website, and it's this very location which has run the very first review of the new book, having somehow gotten hold of a proof copy (!).

To wit:

A Wee Review - Mystery Man by Colin Bateman

There’s a new PI in Belfast. His qualifications? He owns No Alibis, a bookshop specialising in crime fiction. Is he a fast-talking, hard-drinking, skirt-chasing tough guy? Um, no. Not at all, really. He’s a bit... well, he’s cut from a different cloth. Oh, and he most definitely is not David Torrans.

Mystery Man is a Belfast crime fiction comedy in which our protagonist (a man with no name) tackles the cases he’s inherited from one of the few ‘real’ PIs in town. Malcolm Carlyle, the proprietor of Private Eye, a private investigation firm situated next to No Alibis bookshop, has apparently skipped town; leaving many a loose end untied. In desperation, his abandoned clients have started trickling into No Alibis for help. Handpicking a few cases, to pass the time more than anything else, the narrator makes a bit of a hobby out of tracking down scorned girlfriends or elusive items of clothing. It’s a nice distraction. Well, it’s nice up until he gets involved in The Case of the Dancing Jew.

This is probably Bateman’s most comedic novel to date, with practically a laugh a paragraph guaranteed. Some of the humour can make you feel a little guilty for laughing. To Bateman, political correctness is something that happens to other people, it would seem. It’s actually quite refreshing. The rest of the humour is of the semi-self-aware, self-deprecating variety that comes from the small revelations of the narrator’s personality. Each little nugget of information gradually builds to form one of the finest protagonists I’ve ever read. Yes, he even gives Dan Starkey a run for his money.

In the early chapters, you could well believe that Bateman has chosen to have a go at writing a modern-day cosy; a slightly bumbling detective logically solves a few minor mysteries. Then the dead bodies start to show up. In abundance. And as Dan Starkey has said more than once, “The jigsaw thickens!” Bateman looks beyond the Troubles (well, apart from a few political wisecracks – it’s set in Belfast, after all) and brings a different evil into the Northern Irish mix. Even at his most light-hearted and funniest, Bateman can’t resist dragging the reader over to his dark side. And, you know, it wouldn’t be half the experience it is if he didn’t.

So, accompanied by a dreadful shop assistant, a beautiful and quirky sidekick and a personality defect or three, Bateman’s latest protagonist really spins a terrific yarn. And it’s possible that he’s taking on Starkey’s torch as the new Bateman series character. In fact, Bateman has announced on his blog that he’s already halfway through the follow up, Day of the Jack Russell. If anybody is going to replace Belfast’s most infamous reporter and anti-hero, let it be the Mystery Man.

You should look forward to April 2009, when you can get your hands on a copy. Mystery Man will give you more laughs than a room full of rabbis and priests. This being the follow up to the more serious Orpheus Rising, you just never know where Bateman is going to take the loyal reader next. You do know that it’s a place worth visiting, though.

_____
So ta very much to Gerard, and do check out the site at : www.crimesceneni.blogspot.com

A few dates starting to filter in now for the launch of the book: there will be two launches really in Northern Ireland: the first on April 30th at Bangor Library, which is in my hometown, and then the following night in, of course, No Alibis.

Prior to that there I'll be appearing at the Cuirt Literary Festival in Galway - the last time I was there was at least ten years ago. I understand I'll be sharing the stage with another Irish writer, Gene Kerrigan.

Then on to Paris in May, with one reading at the Irish Cultural Centre and another for the French library service two days later. Which means, unfortunately, that I'm going to miss out on crime writer Michael Connolly's visit to No Alibis, which falls between my two French dates. One idea No Alibis had was for me to interview him on stage, but sadly that's not now going to happen.

In the shadow of Old Trafford

2009-01-16T02:30:00.000-08:00

I'm off to Manchester next Friday (23rd) for the Salford Children's Book Award. Titanic 2020 has been shortlisted, along with : Tom Becker: Darkside; Siobhan Dowd: The London Eye Mystery; Julia Golding: Ringmaster; Matt Haig: Shadow Forest; F. E. Higgins: The Black Book of Secrets ;Paul Stewart & Chris Riddell: Barnaby Grimes: Curse of the Night Wolf. Should be fun, and it's great to meet fans of the book, but it's always a bit of a strange experience. Last year Titanic was up for three awards - at the first there were five short listed authors on the stage, anxiously waiting the announcement, and when it came the winner turned out to be the only author who wasn't there. Which was mildly embarrassing. Then the next one I lost out to an author who definitely couldn't have attended, having recently departed this mortal coil. The third time I was short listed, and having suffered the outrageous slings and arrows of being defeated, I decided not to attend....and won. So who knows. I haven't read the other books on the short list, although one of them is by that recently departed author, which is a bad omen. Keep you posted!
Interestingly, when my brother heard I was going to Salford, which is the home of Old Trafford, he offered me a ticket to go and see the FA Cup game between Manchester United and Spurs. I turned him down, once I'd finished laughing.

Crossmaheart

2008-12-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

I get asked quite a lot whatever happened to the movie version of Cycle of Violence - Crossmaheart. Despite some good reviews and festival appearances, it never got a proper release in the cinema or appeared on DVD or video. It's more than ten years old now, but surprisingly enough it is still turning up on TV - albeit on a channel you might not be a regular viewer of. It you have Sky (I'm not sure how many of the other services have it) you'll have access to a movie channel called Movies for Men. It sounds like a porn channel (and late at night, sometimes is), but at least half a dozen times in the last month Crossmaheart has cropped up there, usually in the wee small hours. So keep an eye on the schedules, you might see it again soon.

2009 and all that.....

2008-12-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

.....oh my God, it is nearly five months since I last updated this, despite promising myself I was going to chat happily away on a regular basis. I suppose part of the problem has been that last time I passed comment on something here it got lifted by a tabloid newspaper and turned into a big story along the lines of 'Bateman Blasts BBC Bosses'. As an ex-journalist I should have known that opening my mouth, even though tongue was firmly in cheek, might have had consequences. It is also, I suppose, a lesson to everyone who looks upon blogging as something akin to a diary which is only read by a few privleged friends. It's not, anyone can read it and steal it and twist it. Paranoid? Moi?

Anyhoo, a new year and what is there to look forward to?

Well, Mystery Man, the next novel (two chapters below) is published on April 30. There will be launch parties for sure in No Alibis in Belfast, and I think probably in Bangor Library - that's my home town. I'll also be reading from it at two events in Paris in May. There should be other events lined up nearer the time, and I'll keep you posted on those.

I enjoyed writing Mystery Man so much that I'm already half way through the follow up - The Day of the Jack Russell.

This month also sees me start work on an original television script called 'Alice Glass', which I'm quite excited about. Can't tell you much more about it as yet; if it doesn't go as a television series I may turn it into a novel.

The reason I say 'if it doesn't go' is that the chances of any script being made are ridiculously small, there are only a very limited number of outlets and an awful lot of competition for them. Plus you can spend an awful lot of time working on something which ultimately doesn't get made and can't be used anywhere else. For example - I spent six months just passed working on a script based on a series of crime novels by another author, only for the project to be suddenly dropped. Obviously my script was FANTASTIC! Problem is if a project I've created myself doesn't work out I can use the material else where, but when it's based on somebody else's work I can't. At least Alice Glass will be all my own, so I'm free to turn it into that novel, or at least a very long narrative poem if the telly doesn't work out!

After Alice then, the plan is to concentrate on National Anthem, a play I've been commissioned to write by a young Belfast theatre company. (They produced Hurricane, about snooker legend Alex Higgins, a couple of years ago, which transferred to the West End). This'll be my first attempt at something for the stage. I've written about a third of it already and am really enjoying the change of scene. If all goes according to plan that'll be on the boards some time in 2010.

Radio Copeland, the sitcom pilot I've written for BBC Radio is due to be recorded shortly. We're just about to get into casting that.

Although my documentary on Belfast for BBC NI never actually got made in the end, for a whole host of reasons, I'm now talking to them about another project which would be VERY EXCITING, but let's not count those old chickens just yet.

Is that enough to be going on with? As ever I have half a dozen other things I WANT to be writing, but for now......

Mystery Man - Chapters One and Two

2008-08-04T01:58:00.000-07:00

1

THERE aren`t many private eyes in Belfast, and now, apparently, there’s one less. I know this because his shop was right next to mine. His name was Malcolm Carlyle and he seemed a decent sort. He would call in for a chat and a browse now and again when business was slow. His business, that is. His business was called Private Eye, big yellow letters on a black background. Then one day he didn`t open up, and I never saw him again, and that was the start of my problems because he was still listed in the Yellow Pages, but when people couldn`t get a response on the phone well, they thought, he must be good, he`s so busy, he`s changed his number, gone ex-directory, so they`d come down to check what was happening with their cases, find the door locked, stand back and take a look at the place and see my shop next door and think there must be some kind of a connection because you don`t have a shop called Private Eye and a shop called No Alibis sitting side by side for no reason at all. So they`d come in and furtively browse through the crime books, all the time eying me up behind the counter, trying to work out if I could possibly be connected to the private eye they were looking for and if there was a connecting door between the shops, and whether I did this bookselling thing as a kind of respectable cover for my night time manoeuvres on the cold, dark streets of Belfast. They`d gotten it wrong of course. Book selling is more cut throat than you can possibly imagine.
The first fella who actually approached me was called Robert Geary; he was a civil servant in the Department of Education in Bangor, he was married, he had three children aged from nine to twelve and he supported Manchester United. We all have our crosses to bear. He told me all this while making a meal out of paying for an Agatha Christie novel, so I knew something was up. No-one had bought a Christie in years.
He said, `My wife wears leather trousers.`
I nodded. You meet all types.
`She`s forty-two,` he said, and I raised a concerned eyebrow. `I know, I keep hinting that she’s maybe she`s too old for them, but she doesn`t get it. The problem is she asked me to get them cleaned at our usual place, it`s the only dry cleaners she trusts, except I was late for work and so I took them to this other place, do you know it - it`s called Pressed for Time on the Castlereagh Road? - but they lost them and they were very nice about it and paid me what they cost, except my wife threw a fit anyway and called me all the names of the day. Then a couple of weeks ago I was out shopping and I saw the exact same trousers walking down Royal Avenue, except no sooner had I seen them than I lost them in the crowds , so I went back to the dry cleaners and said I`d seen them walking down Royal Avenue but they said there was nothing they could do, so I didn`t want to phone the police because they`d tell me to take a run and jump and so I phoned Malcolm Carlyle, Private Eye, and he said he`d see what he could do, but then when I didn`t hear back from him and he didn`t answer his phone, I thought I`d come down and see him. Except he`s not there.`
`No he`s not,` I said.
`And now I have to get them back, because as sure as hell the wife`s going to be out shopping one day and she`ll see them and then there`ll be blood on the streets, and some of its going to be hers, and some of its going to be the other woman`s, and some of it`s going to be mine and I can do without that. I`m five years from retirement. We retire early in the Civil Service. We`re going to buy a place in Cyprus.`
`Why don`t you just get her some new ones?` I asked.
`Because these were a designer pair, I bought them in America, in Texas, near the Alamo, it`s my favourite film, there`s not another pair like them in Ireland, and possibly continental Europe. `
`I see,` I said, and charged him £4.50 for the Christie.
He left me his number in case the private eye turned up again, and I said it seemed unlikely, but he said keep it anyway, and if there`s anything you can do I`d very much appreciate it, and then he hurried out because there was another customer who`d come in and now wanted served, so I didn`t get the chance to ask what he meant by if there`s anything you can do. The next customer was just looking for directions. He wanted to know where Queens University was. I said I wasn’t sure and sold him a street map. It was only around the corner, but the profit was the difference between burger and steak.

Over the next couple of days I was up to my neck in stock taking and didn`t give the leather trousers another thought, but then I finally got back behind the till and found the note I`d made of his number and seeing as how I`d an average of forty-three minutes to kill between customers I started thinking about the possibilities, and that`s how I came to phone Pressed for Time to enquire about the mysterious disappearance and even more mysterious re-appearance of Mrs Geary`s leather trousers.
`And you are, who?` the man at the other end said with enough suspicion for me to say the first name that came to mind, other than my own, for I had a business and its reputation to protect, `Lawrence Block.`
`Like the crime writer,` said the man, unexpectedly.
`Like the crime writer,` I said. `Except I`m definitely not in the book business.`
`What business would you be in then?’ he asked chirpily. ‘You know, I can`t go giving out confidential information to just anyone who phones up asking.`
I said, `I`m representing Mr Geary and Mrs Geary in the matter of their leather trousers, and by the by, what kind of confidential information would a dry cleaners have to be worried about giving out anyway?`
`Oh you`d be surprised,` he said. `We do police uniforms and prison officers uniforms and….. ` And then he caught himself on and said, `But that`s confidential. I`ll, ah, get the manager.`

After a bit, the manager came on and said gruffly, `I`ve had it up to my back teeth with these leather trousers. Even though we don`t accept responsibility for lost or damaged items we paid for them. I don`t see what his problem is.`
`Well they had sentimental value,` I said.
`Sentimental leather trousers?` he barked. But then he sighed and his tone lightened a little and he said, `It takes all sorts. Mr Block, is it?`
`Call me Larry.`
`What are you, a solicitor?`
I cleared my throat in a positive manner and said, `If you don`t accept any responsibility for lost or damaged items, why did you pay Mr Geary for the missing trousers.`
`Well the fact of the matter is we didn`t pay Mr Geary, at least, not directly. We send our leather items out for specialist cleaning. They said they were damaged in the cleaning process, and they instructed us to pay Mr Geary and promised to reimburse us. Although I`m still waiting.`
`Well if they said they were damaged, how come those very same leather trousers were last seen hurrying down Royal Avenue at a great rate of knots?`
`Well I don`t know. You`d have to take it up with them.`
So he gave me their number and said they were on the Newtownards Road and I thanked him for his time and still suitably enthused, or bored, I was about to phone them when the shop door opened and a man came in and asked if I could recommend the new John Grisham and I said, yes, if you`re a moron.

2

Well it turns out John Grisham was on a signing tour of the UK, and not wanting to cause pandemonium wherever he went he was just calling at bookshops unannounced, which struck me as an inefficient way to do things, but each onto their own. His face is right there on the back of his books, so I get to look at him at least six times a day, and of course I recognised you straight off I said, although in truth, shorn of good lighting and make-up he looked a lot heavier and his hair was longer and unkempt and his skin was blotchy and he seemed to have some kind of a rash on his neck. It`s lucky that I myself was born with an honest kind of a face, as he seemed to accept that my off the cuff remark was a typical example of our much heralded Troubles humour, etc. etc..
I made him a cup of coffee while he signed copies of his books, and seeing as how he was an American and not wishing to seem overawed by his wealth and celebrity, I related to him the story of Mrs Geary`s leather trousers, putting extra emphasis on the fact that they`d originated in Texas, which is somewhere in the general region of where I believe he hails from originally, but he didn`t seem very interested and kept trying to steer the conversation back to exactly how many copies of his next novel I planned to order, which wasn`t a subject I was keen to explore because people can snap them up for half price in the supermarkets so there’s no point in me bringing in more than a few token copies. When he finished signing his books, he moved on to signing copies of books by other authors, which I thought was a little strange, but there didn`t seem any harm in it. In fact, it was quite novel and I thought it might help me to move a lot of dead stock. There probably wouldn`t be a huge profit in it, but it could mean the difference between eight slices of cooked ham in a re-sealable packet and a fresh gammon steak. But after he had gone and I was beginning to put the signed books out on display I realized that he had signed most of his books `Johnny Grisham` and some of them `David Grisham` and several `The Lord God of All Hosts` and one `How much does your piano weigh?`, and I began to reflect on the capacity of the Irish to fall for anyone with an American accent, be they pauper, paranoid or president, and whatever gibberish they might care to spout.
I was not, therefore, in the best of moods when I finally came to phone Stick to Me, the leather goods cleaners, shortly before closing time. I made a point of not identifying myself this time, saying merely that I was phoning on behalf of a client, a Mr Geary, but before I could get on to the substance of my complaint the man at the other end said, `Is that Mr Block?`
I cleared my throat in a positive manner and demanded to know what had happened to the leather trousers.
` They got torn up by the machinery. They were damaged beyond repair. `
`And yet they were spotted galloping down Royal Avenue.`
`We heard that. We can only presume that somebody rescued them from the skip behind our shop and stitched them back together.`
I immediately pounced on that. `I thought they were damaged beyond repair?`
`Beyond the standard of repair we pride ourselves on. How close was your witness to them? They probably looked like a dog`s dinner. Mr Block, Larry, the trousers are gone, we paid up, we paid up above and beyond, I think you should drop this - while you still can.`
It sat in the air for several long moments.
Then I cut the line. I put the receiver down and stood there, quite shocked by this unexpected turn of events. While you still can. I was being warned off. Threatened, even. It wasn`t even a veiled threat. It was explicit, if understated, like a killer in mittens.
The phone rang and I thanked God for the distraction. I said, `Hello, No Alibis.`
And the same voice said, `Is that Larry?`
My own voice rose a couple of octaves as I gave him an innocent, `Larry?`
And he said, `Larry Block. I was speaking to him a minute ago and I got cut off and I hit caller ID and then I called the number and you answered the phone.`
`Well, I`m sorry, there`s no Larry here.`
`What`s the name of that place again?`
`What place?`
`You answered the phone and said hello no something.`
`Ah. No. You misheard. I said hello, Noah. Noah Alibees. That`s my name. It`s French Canadian originally. I design hats. Are you calling about a hat?`
It seemed to do the trick. He quickly apologised and rang off. When I put the phone down I found that my hands were damp, my shirt was sticking to my skin and my heart was beating ninety to the dozen.

Two days a week I employee a student called Jeff to mind the shop while I sit in the back office trying to make my books balance. He’s keen and writes poetry and belongs to Amnesty International, but he’ll grow out of all of these things. My office is close enough to the till so that I can hear what’s going on in the store, in particular if Jeff is misusing the phone to call either his girlfriend or some Government agency to demand that a political prisoner not be repatriated to Sierra Leone. In light of the previous day’s threat I had considered not allowing Jeff to answer the phone at all, but a cursory examination of the books told me I wasn’t in any position to turn away potential business, so by way of compromise I instructed Jeff to answer any incoming calls with a French accent, which he managed passably well, and to be as vague as possible until he was able to ascertain the nature of the enquiry. Vagueness for Jeff, truth be told, wasn’t going to be a huge stretch.
I made him repeat Noah Alibees over and over until he got it just right. Then I said that if anyone called and asked for Larry he was to reply, `There is no Larry here, would you like to buy a hat?` Towards noon I was just beginning to think that I might have gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick. There had been four phone calls, all of them either from customers or publishers reps. But then the fifth call came in and my carefully constructed cover story quickly began to unravel. I heard Jeff say, `Noah Alibees, would you like to buy a hat? ` and then, `Yes, hats, all different types.` And then. `No there`s nobody called Larry Block here.` I moved from my desk in the back to the body of the shop. ` Nope, no Lawrence Block either.` Then with a piece of inspired improvisation Jeff added. `You`d have to go to a mystery book shop to find Lawrence Block.` Jeff saw me; he smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Then he said, `No trouble at all,` and hung up. When I approached the till he said, `You look a little pale, what`s the matter?`
I put my hands on the counter to steady myself, took a deep breath and said, `I`m being intimidated by the owner of a shop which specializes in the cleaning and repair of leather goods.`
Jeff gave this due consideration. Then he said, `Somebody`s scrawled all over the John Grisham books.`

* I just took a notion to put these opening chapters up. The book isn't due out until next year. Some of you will have read a version of this in the original short story I wrote a couple of years ago, 'The Case of Mrs Geary's Leather Trousers'. Needless to say this is a work of fiction.

And the award goes to:

2008-08-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I chose to spend some time at a crime writing festival in the South of France rather than go to Rotherham where one of my children's books was shortlisted for an award. Doh! Should have gone to Rotherham, where Titanic 2020 has scooped their book of the year.

According to their press release: Children have been very positive about the selection of books this year, but the overwhelming favourite was “Titanic 2020” by Colin Bateman – the announcement of this news at the end of the proceedings was met with a loud roar of approval. Authors recognise the importance of the award because it is chosen by children, the very people we hope will buy and enjoy their books. A book signing took place on the afternoon giving children the chance to meet their favourite authors and the authors the chance to meet their young audiences.

This year’s shortlist:
The White Giraffe Lauren St John Orion Children’s
The Pig Who Saved the World Paul Shipton Puffin
Oranges in No Man’s Land Elizabeth Laird MacMillan Children’s
At the House of the Magician Mary Hooper Bloomsbury
Titanic 2020 Colin Bateman Hodder Children’s
Snatched Graham Marks Usborne

So there you go!

Calling Radio Copeland

2008-07-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

The books will always be the main thing, but I write them relatively quickly. Because I can only really publish one a year I've a lot of time on my hands, so I like to try different things - hence last year's documentary or King Billy the Opera (which is now unlikely to appear any time soon, as the company involved didn't get the funding it needed). You might say, I'm Divorcing Jack of all tradesm master of one.... But I do have a kind of 'to do' list, one of which involves scoring for Liverpool at Wembley, and another has always been to write something for radio. Actually, one of the first things I ever wrote was a radio play for a BBC competition - needless to say I didn't win!

A few months ago I contributed to a radio documentary marking thirty years of punk in Northern Ireland - it was produced by Owen McFadden, originally a member of the very fine Protex - and we got talking about me maybe doing something original for radio. Fast forward to....well, NOW, and lo and behold I've written something called Radio Copeland which has been greenlit for a pilot and which we'll hopefully start recording in Belfast after the summer. Not much I can tell you about it apart from it's set in a radio station on a fictitious version of Copeland Island and has been the most fun to write of anything I've done in a while. Is it funny? Well it will be once we've added the laughter track.

I will, er, keep you posted.

Allo, allo

2008-07-04T07:18:00.000-07:00

I've just returned from the 11th Festival Inernational du Roman Noir held at Frontignan in the South of France - well someone has to go to these things, and the alternative was a children's book event in Rotherham . It was, basically, four days of consuming a lot of rose wine and struggling with my limited French. And by limited I mean NONE. I was appearing on two panels discussing religion and politics in the first case and in the second, Sartre's comment that 'hell is other people'. Yes, all very intellectural; needless to say I failed to rise to the occasion and blamed most of everything on albinos.

Cracking weather, of course, which is a bit of a nightmare for The Big Freckle, but I was able to just about survive by darting from doorway to doorway and shadow to shadow.

Met up with some nice people - crime writer Jake LaMarr, artist Miles Hyman, film maker and writer Doug Headline - who also translated wonderfully for me in one of the panels,but was also very fortunate to meet up with a friend from my home town who has lived just outside Frontignan for the past twenty years.

The great thing about hearing the Northern Ireland accent spoken outside of the old place is that sometimes you hear things you've long since grown so accustomed to at home that you don't notice them any more. In this particular case my host had retained the Northern Irish habit of adding 'so I do' to the end of sentences, or variations of the same, so she had. We both got hugely into the way of it, and I'm going to have to work it into a book somewhere, so I am. I think it hugely enriches any sentence you might care to think of. I was washing the car today, so I was. We had brilliant sex last night, so we did. And not only sentences, what if some of the most famous sayings of all time got the so I was treatment?

We will fight them on the beaches, so we will.

I have a dream, so I do.

One small step for man, so it is.

And of course it would be perfect for any wedding. Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do, so I do.

2008-07-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

And now for the news....

2008-06-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

......oh its been a busy few months in one way or another, which is absolutely no excuse for not keeping this updated. Also, it has been kind of sunny and I now have a big shiny red head.
Been back and forth to London a few times - I'm working on a TV project for Sky at the moment, which is based on the crime novels of Stephen Booth. These are set in the Peak District and feature a mismatched pair of detectives, Cooper and Fry. Having fun doing this, and was across for a brief tour of the Peaks courtesy of the author just last week. Also working on something about Hanging Judges in the 19th century for the Beeb - which is taking me right out of my comfort zone!

The latest children's book, Titanic 2020: Cannibal City is either in the shops (in Ireland) or about to hit them 9everywhere else) and I've been doing my bit to promote that. Some more stuff coming up next week - appearances at Easons in Bangor, Craigavon, Athlone and Blanchardstown. The first book in the series is up for three children's book awards in England; it also just missed out on the big one in Ireland, the Bisto Children's Book of the Year, losing out to Siobhan Dowd's 'London Eye Mystery'. I wuz robbed, obviously.

Oh my oh my

2008-03-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

It is a cruel fact of my life that I regularly get ignored when it comes to the major literary awards - each year I wait by the phone, but always the Nobel or the Booker or the Orange Prize for Women's Fiction passes me by. But swell to report I'm in at least with a shout of a rather nice one - The Bisto Book of the Year Awards shortlist was announced this week, and my Titanic 2020 is one of ten books selected by Children's Books Ireland to be considered. They are presented annually in recognnition of excellence in writing and illustration, at least that's what it says on their website. Rather exciting. The winner is announced towards the end of May. The very night I heard that I'd been shortlisted I was making the dinner, opened the larder door, and a container of Bisto fell out, hit the deck, and spilled everywhere. This is surely a sign? But a sign of what? And if I do win, will I have to turn the Titanic into a gravy boat?

UTV Life!

2008-03-14T04:19:00.001-07:00

.....and so the whirl surrounding the publication of a new book continues. Well, it's not quite a whirl, more like a stiff breeze. Or just a breeze. Or maybe just some cool air. Nevertheless, whatever it is, it continues. I'm appearing on UTV Life tonight on (naturally enough) UTV sometime between 5.30 and 6 pm, making this news item totally irrelevent to those of you who have proper jobs. Anyhoo, that's where I'll be, in my new suit, 'n all. Also due to appear on Ireland's TV3 on or around March 25th.

Jumpers!

2008-03-14T04:14:00.001-07:00

The first film I ever wrote, and still possibly my favourite, was a short called 'Jumpers'. It was directed by Konrad Jaye and produced by Mark Huffam and starred Jimmy Nesbitt in a tale of suicide and Santa Claus. This was an incredible.....what, 12 years ago? Anyway, the film has now resurfaced, and if you have Itunes you can actually download it to your computer, Ipod etc. Only costs a couple of dollars and it will give you hours of wonderful fun, or indeed, minutes.

Waterford bound

2008-03-14T04:10:00.000-07:00

If you're in the Waterford area, or indeed in the Ireland area, and are extremely bored, I'm appearing at the Sean Sunne Writer's Festival in the town on April 6th. Sean was an acclaimed poet who died tragically young.

Orpheus: We Have Lift Off

2008-03-14T03:55:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to all those who turned up to toast the launch of 'Orpheus Rising' last night at No Alibis in Belfast. My, that Stella beer is rather strong. I didn't actually read any of the book last night - it's hard to find a passage that makes sense in small chunks - so instead read from the NEXT book, which is 'Mystery Man', and which I literally finished yesterday afternoon. Those who have been following these reports will know that I'm actually setting the book in a mystery book shop called 'No Alibis' - a FICTIONAL version of the real place. Nevertheless it's great fun to watch owner David Torrance squirm as i read! The new stuff seemed to go down well and it was good to see a lot of familiar faces. And some new ones. 'Orpheus Rising' is in many ways a much more serious book than normal; 'Mystery Man', I suspect, will give a new meaning to the term 'politically incorrrect'. But you'll have to wait and see.....

Orpheus Rising .....published!

2008-03-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

The new novel, Orpheus Rising, was published this week folks. The one with the big pink shark on the cover. Hard to miss. Although you will if you order books through Amazon....as due to an administrative foul up the book has failed to appear there at all. Hopefully this will be rectified in the very near future.
Meanwhile, if you live anywhere near Belfast, you're invited to come and help launch the blessed thing at No Alibis bookstore in Botanic Avenue on Thursday, March 13 at 7 pm.

You can all just **** off

2008-01-24T01:46:00.001-08:00

When I was a journalist, and a very poor one at that - both literally and financially - the rule of thumb was that you NEVER received praise from your readers, you only ever received complaints. It was a good day at the office if it was a quiet one after one of your stories had appeared. This is also pretty true of the books - I get some nice e-mails, but generally there's not a huge amount of feedback. That is until I PREDICT A RIOT and the complaints started. Hundreds of them. My cardinal sin has been to remove the swearing and replace it with a lot of ********ing. This seems to have REALLY annoyed everyone because there's not a day goes by, STILL, when I don't receive half a dozen e-mails complaining about it: some of you just like to read naughty words, some of you resent having censorship imposed on you, some of you don't like being treated like naughty children. And all of you asking why the **** I did it, and if I've turned into some kind of ******* born again Christian or something. Now I've explained it before and I'll explain it again. The Lord is the One True Way and there's no need for ******* swearing.

Or.....I Predict A Riot originally appeared in serial form in the Belfast News Letter, which is a morning newspaper here in Northern Ireland. This meant that I couldn't be using my normal quota of very naughty words, or, if I did, I had to bleep them out. So I bleeped them out. And never a complaint over the whole year the serial appeared. It may be that we Northern prods are just a lot more God fearing that the rest of you heathens. So when it came time to do the book I thought I'd keep up the ****, and also had the thought that sometimes the bleeping can be funnier than the actual swear words themselves. It works on You've Been Framed. But as it turns out you all like your swear words. You miss them. They are such a part of your daily lives that you feel bereft when someone chooses not to use them.

So MAYBE in a future edition of the book I might put them all back in. But as that would mean re-setting virtually every page, I'm virtually certain my publishers aren't going to pay for it.
In the mean time, suitbably chastised, you can all look forward to my next novel, 'The Fucking Fuckers from Fuckville'.

Do you believe in Ghosts?

2008-01-18T01:31:00.000-08:00

.....those many, many hundreds of thousands of you feverishly waiting for the next novel, Ghost Town, may tear up your cheques and cancel your Amazon orders. Fear not though - it's only a change of title. All the way through writing it I called it Orpheus Rising and it was only on delivery that my publishers thought that was a bit unwieldy and we came up with Ghost Town instead. So ever since that's what it has been - I actually have the cover for the book in the house (will that be worth something on Ebay? £5? Maybe £10)- but now for reasons which are a bit complicated, and at a very late stage, at least in publishing terms, we're back to Orpheus Rising.
Actually - and this has nothing to do with the title change, because it would actually have been quite helpful - the new film from Ricky Gervais, his first leading role, is also called Ghost Town, also set in America, and has quite a similar plot. I was looking forward to the confusion this would have caused, because he is an international superstar and comedy genius, and I still play 5-a-side.

Doc 2

2008-01-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

The documentary Bateman on Bangor: Light of the World went down sufficiently well with viewers and the BBC themselves for them to comission another one for later in the year. It has the working title of Bateman's Belfast Confidential and I'll be teaming up with producer Damien Magee again to take a wry look at modern Belfast.

Happy 2008

2008-01-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to everyone!

I'm not great on resolutions, but this year, now comfortably into my mid forties, I'm determined to at least keep to a few.

(1) remember not to get completely pissed at public functions when you have to make a speech; certainly do not attempt to alter your speech seconds before going on stage; and if Sir Ben Kingsley is in the audience, do not suggest to the gathered social and political elite of Belfast that he might care to don a ginger wig and play Martin McGuinness in a bio pic.

(2) along with everyone else, get fit. Having torn my cruciate ligament and broken my hand in the same comical football accident I have to get the finger out, get fit and return to the field of dreams (Eddie Irvine's 5-a-side pitch. Not name dropping here - as opposed to above, where I was - he just owns a big complex outside my home town).

(3) stop prevaricating and get started on the one after next novel. Ghost Town comes out in May - it may surprise a few of you, because it's crap. No, I mean, it's different - because I'm tackling an unusual subject and it has taken me a bit out of my comfort zone. Interested to know what you think. But the book after that could, should, may be Mystery Man, which could, should, may be the start of a new series. It's set in a mystery book shop called No Alibis in Belfast - which is of course, a real place - but this will obviously be a highly fictional version of the store where I launch nearly all of my books. If any of you have been to my readings or have read the short story The Case of Mrs Geary's Leather Trousers then you'll know that the book version should guarantee a lot of laughs.

I Predict an Audio Book

2007-12-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

Received a quite remarkable package today from the good people at Clipper Audio/WF Howes who have released a number of my books on cd/tape over the past few years. Now these are none of your edited versions, you get every fricken word. Well I opened up the box and there was a beautiful package containing the audio book of 'I Predict A Riot' - on a staggering twenty cds and lasting some twenty one and a half hours. And all read by actor Adam Moore, who deserves some kind of a medal. Now I think these are mainly aimed at libraries, or the visually impaired, or people going on long journeys - i.e. the first manned mission to Mars - and I'm not entirely convinced that life isn't too short to devote twenty one and a half hours to listening to anything I write, but if audio books are your thing, then you should check it out. Considering how long it lasts it's not extravagantly priced either.

And the award goes to.....

2007-11-27T08:19:00.000-08:00

I'll be presenting an award at the Prince's Trust gala dinner at the Culloden Hotel outside Holywood (Co.Down) on December 6. The evening will act as a major fundraiser for the charity in Northern Ireland (and will hopefully be one of the largest charity ever seen here), and will feature special guests and live performances from well known artists. The only award I've ever received - apart from one quarter of a Scottish Bafta, see below - is the Betty Trask Prize. Any award with Betty in the title can't be that prestigious. Although more prestigious than one with Doris.
The emphasis here is on 'received' of course, as I did WIN an award a few months back, but it was more spiritual than tangible (i.e. there was no cash involved, or even a trophy, not even a small one, or a certificate, or something scrawled on the back of a beer mat. ) This was from Declan Burke's rather wonderful Crime Always Pays website which is THE essential guide to Irish crime fiction (it may also be the ONLY guide to Irish crime fiction, but I'm not sure, I don't get out much) . This was the inaugural Crime Always Pays Poll to discover the Funniest Irish Crime Fiction Writer, Like, Ever™. And I quote: 'To no one’s real surprise, The Artist Formerly Known As Colin Bateman topped the vote with 47%, followed by Eoin Colfer and Ruth Dudley Edwards sharing 23% each, and Pauline McLynn coming home with 9%. '
Wonderful as this is, I have to point out that Crime Always Pays has been quite detrimental to my writing career, as every time I log on I spend hours going through the blog and thus end up getting no work done at all. It's everything a blog should be - informative, funny and done with obvious love. i.e. unlike this one, which I am contractually obliged to provide.

Top Rankin

2007-11-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

A fantastic quote in this month's Good Housekeeping as Ian Rankin picks I Predict A Riot as the very book he'd like to receive in his Christmas Stocking ' he's a Northern Irish writer whose crime novels are funny as well as gripping- hard to pull off'. Not that I've ever bought Good Housekeeping. Is there a Bad Housekeeping? Is there a Dust and Cat Hairs and Black Bananas Monthly? Yes, you heard it right. I have a cat. Actually, my son has a cat. But it has attached itself to me. I don't like cats. I'm a dog man. Not allowed one. So we have a cat. Once a week she brings in a mouse or a large black bird through the cat flap and I have to go down and wrestle it free, give it the kiss of life, then release it back into the wild. I consider this to be my good deed for the day. Then I go out and shoot chickens with my shotgun.

Doc of the Bay

2007-11-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

The BBC Documentary 'Bateman on Bangor: Light of the World' went out last night to great viewing figures and critical acclaim (i.e. my brother said it was dead good) . Thanks to everyone who has been in touch to say they enjoyed it, and to those who didn't .....fuck off! Actually that last one is for the lady who got in touch to say swearing isn't big or clever and a sign of lack of intelligence. Well I know that. Interestingly the only letters of complaint I've received for any of the books have been for I Predict A Riot - and from readers complaining about the LACK of swearing.

Mohammed Maguire website launched

2007-11-23T04:00:00.000-08:00

We've now launched a stand alone website for the movie version of 'Mohammed Maguire' if you would all care to take a look. The script is written, the director is signed up - that's me, obviously, I have a certain pull in these matters - and all that's now required is some cigar chomping bigwig to come in and finance the damn thing. Go to: http://www.nerve-centre.net/mo%20website/

King Billy....alive after all

2007-11-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

A while back I wrote about King Billy, the Opera, the piece I created with composer Jules Maxwell. It was a ten minute excerpt from a full length opera commissioned by the Opera Theatre Company in Dublin. Everything went very quiet after we delivered our piece and I presumed the project had been binned, but suddenly it's up and running again and will be workshopped for a week in Belfast in May, and then staged at the Baby Grand Opera House, and after that in Dublin. Yikes!

Titanic 2020

2007-11-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

I've just delivered the second in my children's adventure series, Titanic 2020: Cannibal City. Had great fun with this one.....how can you not, with cannibals? It's due for release towards Summer next year.

Mohammed Maguire

2007-11-20T15:19:00.001-08:00

It has always been my dream to direct a movie version of 'Mohammed Maguire', and back in May I at least had the opportunity to explore how it might turn out when I attended the Moonstone Directors Course in Germany. The course allows you to shoot some selected scenes from your script, using a volunteer crew and actors. Essentially you create a demo tape - it's not really for public consumption as such because it's pretty experimental and the equipment you get to use is very basic, but we thought, what the hell, let's get it out there. So to that end Pearse Moore at Raw Nerve productions has put some of the footage up on Youtube.....it's very much 'no budget' film making, but it gives an idea of how it all might work if someone was daft enough to give me a few million quid to make the movie. If you want to take a peek you should go to http://www.youtube.com/user/rawnervefilms If you want to give me a few million quid you should e-mail me IMMEDIATELY.

Rebus

2007-11-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

My episode of 'Rebus' went out in October. It was called 'The First Stone' and was an original script, although I borrowed some elements of the sub plot from one of Ian Rankin's short stories, 'Atonement'. The series was named best TV series at the Scottish Baftas on Sunday. As there were four episodes in the series, I guess that means I have won a quarter of a Scottish Bafta. SMG, the company who make Rebus, have also optioned a script I've written called 'Mystery Man' to develop as a tv series, but again it's early days on that as well. I will probably write it as the novel after next.

Maid of the Mist

2007-11-20T15:12:00.001-08:00

......something happening with 'Maid of the Mist' - it has been optioned by a Canadian company, Darius Films, and they're about to start work on a script. It's early days yet, but they certainly seem enthusiastic about the project.

The Panel

2007-11-20T15:08:00.000-08:00

.....was a guest on RTE's satirical comedy show The Panel this week.....a somewhat nervewracking experience as competing with four stand up comics for laughs was never going to be easy.....but they were very nice to me and the programme went well.....I think. A few beers before hand helped.....and very many afterwards helped as well.

Crossmaheart

2007-11-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

I get a lot of e-mails enquiring whatever happened to the movie version of Cycle of Violence, which was retitled Crossmaheart. It was made just before Divorcing Jack, directed by Henry Herbert, and besides playing at a few festivals disappeared without trace. There was no video or DVD release. A few weeks ago my brother, who has a small but important part in the movie, phoned me in a state of great excitement to say it was currently showing on one of the digital channels - 'Movies for Men'. Despite sounding like it's a porn channel, it isn't, and it has now been shown several times so if you're interested in seeing how it turned out, see if you can track it down.

Documentary on BBC 1 NI

2007-11-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

........'Bateman on Bangor' the documentary I've made for BBC 1 Northern Ireland will be shown on Monday, November 26th at 10.35 pm. It deals with my growing up in Bangor and how the writing career got started......and is quite good fun! If you're not from Northern Ireland you should be able to pick it up on Sky on their regional tv listings for the BBC. The programme was produced by Damien Magee, who worked with me for a brief while at the Co. Down Spectator about twenty years ago, before foolishly choosing to forsake a career at the cutting edge of journalism to join the BBC. Damien is also a bit of a rock star....at least in his own head....and played guitar in popular 80s Belfast band St. Vitus Dance. This bunch of lads has recently reformed, has an album coming out and is playing at the Black Box in Belfast on December 8th.
.....I'm also talking to the BBC about making some more documentaries, but these are at quite an early stage.. If all goes according to plan by this time next year, and following extensive dental work, nose straightening, hair transplant and freckle removal surgery, I will have successfully transformed myself into Dale Winton and can stop writing those ffffffing stupid books.

Documentary

2007-11-20T13:16:00.001-08:00

If you're in and around my home town of Bangor over the next fortnight, beware - I'm on the loose with a camera, making a 40 minute documentary for BBC 1 Northern Ireland. Never really done anything like this before, but am already enjoying it immensely - nearly everyone I've approached to take part has agreed, including the likes of Jimmy Nesbitt, Lord Trimble and Laine McGaw (who played Patricia in Divorcing Jack). I'll be returning to my old schools, Ballyholme PS and Bangor Grammar and talking about the Spectator years, where I trained as a reporter, and we've already got a lot of footage we recorded at the Aspects Festival in the town in September. Should be on TV some time in the Autumn.

Hey ho...here we go!

2007-11-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

Just returned from the Hay-on-Wye literature festival in Wales where I was unexpectedly invited to appear with the great and good. I was taking part in a crime panel together with the lovely Alex Barclay and the just as lovely Alan Guthrie. A fantastic time was had all round, partially to do with the copious amounts of alcohol on offer. It was slightly surreal as I was staying in the town's wonderful main hotel, The Swan, which had 25 rooms - which meant that when I came down in the morning I was joining the likes of Bob Geldof, Tony Benn and Columbo for breakfast. Yes - Columbo. Peter Falk was there to promote his memoirs and I was introduced to him - three times. As we couldn't actually get tickets to see Columbo's gig, and being very drunk, we decided to become part of his 'posse' and managed to blag our way in. The words 'never' 'again' and 'drinking' were uttered early the next morning.

Good King Billy

2007-11-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

I mentioned a while back about the mini opera I was writing with the very talented Jules Maxwell about King Billy - and then everything went quiet. I had sort of guessed that the opera folks who commissioned it might have dropped it because it was (in their view) (a) ridiculous or (b) a bit of a hot potato, but it seems they're having a few administration changes at the top of their company, and once they have a new boss in place, King Billy will proceed. It ain't over till the fat bringer of our freedoms sings.

Rebus!

2007-11-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

I had a call a few months ago from the makers of 'Rebus', the tv series based on the character created by Ian Rankin to see if I'd be interested in writing a script. Now I've gone off tv a bit since the fiasco over 'Murphy's Law' - fired from my own series, no less! - and generally find meetings with TV people quite stressfull/humiliating/embarrassing. But I like Ian Rankin's books, and Ken Stott is very good in the TV series, so I was having a good think about it when, the very next day my good friend David from No Alibis bookshop called and said Ian Rankin was calling into the shop the next day for a cup of coffee, and did I fancy meeting him. I took this as A Sign From God (you know, God, small round bloke, beard, looks like Van Morrison, but his songs aren't as good)and scooted off to Belfast.

Turns out that Ian Rankin, Best Selling Author, Cultural Commentator, is a very decent bloke and I'd a good natter with him. I somewhat hesitantly raised the issue of me writing for Rebus - because we authors can be notoriously protective of our stuff - and seemed more than happy for me to have a crack. 'Just don't change his taste in music,' was his only request. So, I've written the script, it's called (at the moment, anyway) The First Stone, and it started filming in Scotland last week. I think it will probably be on in the Autumn. It's made by SMG in Scotland, and I can honestly say it's the best experience I've yet had working in TV. No bullshit, in other words. I mean, knowing me, we'll probably have a huge fall out somewhere down the line, but at the moment everything is smelling of roses.